Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
