she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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