i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
