man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
