the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
