I murdered the dance floor call the cops
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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