Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
