There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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