So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
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IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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