Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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