that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
