i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
