At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
