There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
OPIZZABONMYDICK
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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