The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
