we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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