So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
