Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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