Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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