I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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