If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
