I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
