when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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