I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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