I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My vagina just clenched in fear
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
