I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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