I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
