If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
