the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
