I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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