I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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