Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
