Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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