I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
