i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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