i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
