non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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