If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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