I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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