I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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