Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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