I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
