I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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