lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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