just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
