OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just want nice things and good sex
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
