i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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