Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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