Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
