The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
