I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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