you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
