my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
