I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it hurts more in the daytime
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
