When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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