3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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