I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
