very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
