I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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