You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
