your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
