I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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