Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Randomize
