I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
